Warding Off the Whiner

The whiner, aka the moaner, sourpuss, complainer, crybaby, bellyacher, party pooper, sniveler, curmudgeon, pessimist, wet blanket...you get the point.

In case you missed it, Dec. 26 was "Whiner's Day." I wrote about it in . Yes, it's the one day per year that we are given permission to whine, should we choose to do so.

Some say that whining is a form of getting attention; whiners receive empathy and time devoted to only them. It can also be a way to remain in the same dire situation without having to do anything about it. And also quite common, the blame-game. It is always because of something or someone else that has caused the dilemma.

We all have a whiner in our midst; perhaps we've even been one in the past. This is key; the past. Dilemmas, confrontations, disillusionment, or unexpected misfortune can cause us to spiral into a depression or at least a justified temporary woe-is-me attitude.

But what about the perpetual whiner? No matter what the topic, they point out a problem. "Isn't great that we get out at noon today?" Whiner: "Well, yeah, but I wish I knew yesterday. I wouldn't have had to make my lunch this morning."

If you are the whiner's go-to person, you must stop it. First, you won't get any work done. Secondly, whiners will drain you of all your energy; and whining is contagious. Thirdly, if they are still complaining about the same thing, you are obviously not helping. And finally, you may be lumped in with the "wrong group" when promotion time comes up—would that be a good thing?

Whiners in the workplace can be a very sensitive matter. Does the workplace culture tolerate this behavior? Does the policies and procedures manual address this? Is a system in place on how or with whom to file a complaint? While there are many factors that go into handling the workplace whiner, I am merely making very general suggestions. 

We can all survive if we allow a person to bend our ear now and then, but if the whining is serious, malicious, revengeful, or unrelenting, you must seek advice from a manager within your company.

So what can you do to ward-off the whiner in your life?

Here are a few magical phrases that can help: Your tone of voice must be confident and unwaivering.

1. "I'm sorry to hear that you are still dealing with that; unfortunately, I am not able to help you."
2. "I'm not qualified, you'll need to talk to someone who is."
3. "I'm overextended at the moment; you should try someone else."
4. "I truly empathize with your situation and I wish I could help, but I can't."
5. "I'm not in a position to help you. I hope you are able to resolve it soon."
6. "I hate to refuse to listen, but I must."
7. "I am uncomfortable discussing this. You need to speak with (manager name)."

When you make these statements, immediately disengage eye contact; you may even have to get up and walk away, several times over, until they get the message. Seasoned whiners have a way of reeling you back.

"If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it." —Anthony J. D'Angelo

Etiquette approach: You always want to maintain an empathetic and respectful demeanor when dealing with a whiner. Many are truly unhappy and don't have the confidence to make a change. It may seem unkind or uncaring to send them away, but in the long run you are doing them a disservice by engaging in this pattern.  You are not being paid to play therapist; you have a job to do. You run the risk of not completing your duties in a timely fashion, making mistakes due to the distraction, and you may be giving the impression that you are a gossiping chatterbox; all detrimental to your career.

Be civil. Acknowledge. Stand firm. 

Rosalinda Oropeza Randall is an etiquette consultant who owns Your Relationship Edge in which she teaches classes and presents workshops to a variety of audiences. She can be reached at rosalinda@yourrelationshipedge.com and her website is www.yourrelationshipedge.com. She can also be reached on Facebook.